Last week we talked about solutions and reflections on being blind-sided in a relationship. You read my 7 “takes-two-to-tango” behaviors that created crumbs and added to the demise of my marriage. Many of you emailed sharing your light bulb moments and how these realizations had changed your perspective on your relationships. Receiving your messages brought such joy to my heart I want you to know I am celebrating YOU and looooove hearing about your growth!
Speaking of growth, let’s dig into another layer. Are you in? Remember, love, peace and freedom are on the other side!
Good for you if you are still reading! That means you understand if you want to get different results in your life you have to look within – in all area’s of your life.
So let’s start excavating!
If you related to my manly man habits of being “the fixer”, “the planner”, “the glue” or copped to being controlling or without boundaries, we want to look at what’s under those behaviors…in other words, what’s the motivation?
If you’re anything like me (and the thousands of women I’ve talked to), you might be surprised to discover there’s a worthiness issue swishing around in the sub terrain of your mind (AKA subconscious). Now, many of you might be thinking, “oh no, that’s not me at all, I know I’m bright and successful.” And maybe it isn’t…but what if it is, and you just aren’t aware of how it’s showing up?
Believe me, if anyone had told me I had self-esteem issues when I was married I would have told them they were crazy. My career was going gangbusters, and I was very confident in my ability to achieve success. However, I mistakenly believed I held that same level of confidence in my personal life.
The truth is what was happening at home would not have been happening if I really valued myself. What I realized, in my digging, was that I felt I had to prove myself, my worth, my value in order to be loved – and I did this by being the savior. I did not understand that I, like YOU, are inherently worthy without having to do ANYTHING to prove it. You are valuable by the very fact that you are a child of God. Period. Case closed.
Another way low self-esteem shows up is by not setting boundaries or enforcing the ones you do set and that was certainly true in my marriage. Simply turning a blind eye and letting things slide because of the fear he’d leave; not believing that I deserved better, not honoring my Self and my needs – all stemmed from a lack of worth. Sound familiar?
Take a minute to reflect on your own behaviors – where is your motivation coming from? If you’re a controller is it because it gives you a sense of safety? Does fixing the problems and situations give you a feeling of importance? Are you afraid of losing love if you set firm boundaries? Do you avoid conflict to honor the other persons needs instead of your own because you think they are more important than yours or that it’s selfish to ask for your needs to be met?
Be honest with yourself.
Understanding why you do the things you do is extremely important in getting to the other side. Once you are aware you can release and re-pattern with positive supportive beliefs that celebrate your value. The way to get long lasting sustainable results is to go below the surface – into the depths of your subconscious – admittedly not always easy on your own. Why? It’s difficult to see your own stuff. Ask a good friend to help you identify your patterns – they’ll know 🙂
Did you know 95% of our behavior is driven by our subconscious beliefs? We aren’t even aware of most of them!!! It’s like we’re on autopilot – only consciously acting 5% of the time – that’s like one hour a day, or less! No wonder we keep finding ourselves in the same situations over and over again.
So, I have a Self Esteem Challenge for you: over the next seven days notice the behaviors that are not giving you the results you desire.
Take time to dig deep for the motivation and ask yourself these five questions:
- What result would I like instead?
- What beliefs will I have to give up to achieve this?
- What beliefs will I need to create and lean into to achieve this?
- What can I do to honor my inherent worth?
- What action step can I take today to increase my self-esteem and feel better about myself?
If you are tired of feeling disrespected and being treated poorly it’s time to look within. We teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves – so start treating yourself with love, honor and respect. And never forget, you are as valuable and beautiful as a diamond!