IT’S official. It’s over. Actually it’s been over for quite some time now. Then why can’t you move on?
You may think you’re doing your best to move on, but somehow you just can’t shimmy away from him. Truth be told even if you aren’t in physical contact you may be fooling yourself with lots of sneaky subtle behaviors that keep you connected and prevent you from meeting someone new!
Breaking up can be hard to do. We may be bonded to the other person and have a hard time letting go. Not having a clean break, however, may be confusing for either party. Keeping what seem to be innocent connections may send the signal that you want to get back together or they stand in the way of making a future connection with someone new.
You are probably intertwined with your ex in ways you don’t even realize are preventing you from doing so.
I came across the following article that I was asked to participate in by YourTango a few years ago and wanted to share it with you because it is still incredibly relevant for anyone who desires to move on but just can’t seem to do it and doesn’t understand why they can’t.
This article brings to light ten hidden ways we stay connected with our ex’s. Read your way to freedom!!….
Here are 10 ways you may be sabotaging your freedom:
1) Online stalking — Are you playing super sleuth on facebook several times a day to find out what the ex is up to or if there is anyone new in the picture? Do whatever you can to avoid this treacherous trap. It will only rile you up or make you sad — neither of which are helping you achieve the healthy mindset you need to stay strong and move on.
2) He’s still in your bedroom — Until you’ve not just removed him and his stuff from your bedroom but marked the bedroom as your own, his energy will permeate the bed, the sheets, the closets and the walls. This room needs to become your room, your space, your sanctuary, and the best way to do that is with some redecorating.
Even minor changes like new pillow cases and a bedspread, reorganizing the furniture layout, or a new piece of art can totally change how the room feels to you as they act as symbols of change and remind you that life is focused on the “new you” in the making now. Open the window and cleanse cleanse cleanse him out of your bed, out of your dreams, and out of your space.
3) Saving old messages — Are you saving and rereading past texts or listening to old phone messages? Reliving the past can take you down the rabbit hole fast. You’ll start the whole vicious cycle of wondering where it all went wrong — blaming yourself, then your ex, then you again, totally enmeshed in a relationship that’s over. Time to delete, delete, delete!
4) Socializing with his/her loved ones — Do you stay in contact with your ex’s family and friends? Are you secretly hoping they’ll put in a good word for you, or make him/her realize what a fool he/she was for leaving you. You’ll find this tactic will backfire on you because any communication you have with them after the break-up just keeps him/her alive in your mind and heart. Unless there are children involved, do yourself a favor, and let go of those ties.
5) You have co-mingled accounts — I’ve not only heard clients say this, at one point I even said it myself: “Oh, it doesn’t really matter that we aren’t legally divorced yet — we both know we’re done and have moved on.” Wrong. It does matter. It’s closure on another level, one that officially marks an end to one part of your life and endorses a new beginning.
Make the time, do the paperwork, get legally divorced. Believe me, you will feel different when you hold those papers in your hand. It may have made financial sense to be on the same calling plan when you were a couple, but saving $35 per month isn’t financial saavy, it’s a way to keep connection with your ex.
We’re financially bound. Shared mortgages, joint debts and investments, income tax return and vehicle payments — having the ex involved in financial matters keeps his/her presence alive in your mind and life. Worst still, things could turn stressful if he doesn’t do his part in meeting financial obligations. Take the steps now to divide and clean up the mess as best as possible; autonomy means financial autonomy, too.
6) Asking for advice or help — If the only person you can think of to solve a problem or move a heavy box is your ex, you may be looking for ways to stay connected. Google is a modern day miracle for answers to even the most complex problems, and if a box is heavy or furniture needs to be moved, there are other people who could help.
7) Keeping old photos — Do you still have pictures of the two of you displayed in your home or on your computer screensaver? Pictures stimulate desire and tug at your heart, causing you to reminisce about what was and could have been. They may cause you to weaken and reach out or keep you emotionally tied to the past. If you want to move forward, get rid of them pronto!
8) Visiting places you know your ex visits — If you find yourself frequenting those old familiar places or continually driving by to see if their car is in the parking lot, you may need to break-up with your ex. Finding new hang outs is a good way to meet new people. It’s also a considerate gesture to spare your ex the discomfort of someday running into you once you’re with somebody new.
9) Refusing to cooperate amicably with details of separation — Withholding items or refusing to cooperate amicably with details of separation can be a great way to stay in touch. Sometimes negative communication feels better than no communication and may be a way to fool yourself into believing you’re over your ex, when maybe you’re being obstinate because the truth is, you’re not.
10) Living in the same house — Whatever the reasons, from financial convenience, to kids, to legal headaches, when someone is still living in the same house with their ex, it’s time for a breakup.
If you are engaging in any of these activities you may now have a better understanding of why you are still intertwined with your ex. There’s no better time than today to master your mind and make a commitment to step out of stuck!